Ivan (redux)

"and shoes with steak sauce"

a direct quote from Ivan, the 6-year-old kindergartener that I read to for a half hour every week.

The kid has the attention span of, well....absolutely nothing.

Today's quest when like this:

Me - "Ivan, pick a book. Find something to read."

Ivan quickly runs into the little room and without much hesitation at all, grabs three books for us to read.

In the back of my mind I am thinking, "Three? you seriously chose three books to read? We can hardly ever make it through the opening page of one, and you want to read three. Alright."

Me - "Cool buddy. Let's read those."

We sit down at our little spot and begin to read "The Gingerbread Man."

I love this book, but knew it would never get read. And sure enough, about four pages in, Ivan loses interest and the rest of the half hour is shot.

Ivan - "Are those new shoes?"

Me- "No. I've had them for awhile."

Ivan - "I've never seen them, so they're new."

Me- "No, I've worn them before, you weren't paying attention."

Ivan-"No. Hey, where are your socks? You're not wearing socks."

Me- "Yeah, I know. No socks."

Ivan- "Your feet will be stinky."

Me-"Thanks for the heads up." Seriously, what do you tell a kindergartener.

Ivan, still distracted and not wanting to read, then leans over and places his face directly into my Spider-Man sweatshirt.

Ivan-"How come you always smell so good?"

Things turn awkward. I don't know what to say, especially to a kindergartener who I believe thinks my beer-soaked, party hoodie smells good.

Me-"I don't know man, but thanks. Let's just read"

I try to read, and then Ivan unexpectedly blurts out "You eat your own face."

Me-"That's great buddy, let's read."

Ivan-"You eat your lips."

At this point, not considering I am seriously older than this kid, and in all actuality, if I had a kid six years ago, he could be mine, I go into my usual defensive mode and say "Oh yeah? You eat your own face."

Instantly, I have transported myself back to elementary school. Great, I have not grown up. I'm pathetic.

Ivan, with a huge smile because I retaliated. "You eat your lips."

Keep in mind, Ivan is still developing speech, so I had no clue what he said.

Me-"What? What are you talking about."

Ivan-"You eat your lips. And your nose."

Me-"Thanks."

Ivan-"You eat your eyeball." He giggles and then yells out, "Eyeball!"

Me-"Yeah, I dont' really eat my eyeball."

Ivan, with a smile as huge as his tiny head, "I'm gonna hit you with your eyeball."

I was kind of struck by this. No little kid as ever said this to me. Usually, when little kids said something like that, I made them eat rocks. But that's old-school Carl, I guess. Now, I just nonchalantly let it go.

Me- "You're crazy man. You're crazy."

Ivan-"You're crazy, too."

Whew, we finally agree on soemthing, now we can read. Throughout the chatter, the supervisor lady has heard Ivan and I's ramblings and has made a few passes to see what we are doing. I have the book open, and it looks like we are reading, but it doesn't happen.

I begin to read "Fast as fast can be..."

Ivan interrupts me and blurts in "I like fish."

Me - "That's great buddy, we should read."

Ivan-"No, I like fish."

At this point I realize that getting this kid is lost cause.

Me-"Oh yeah, what kind? Salmon, tuna, something like that?"

Ivan-"Asian fish."

Me-"So no salmon or nothing. That's cool."

I pretty much just agree with him to avoid any confrontation that could get out of control. But that doesn't work.

Ivan-"Do you like Asian fish?"

Me-"I don't eat fish, I eat cow."

Ivan-"You eat cow's faces. You eat your nose."

I think to myself, "Great, right back where we started." I glance at the clock, there's only about five minutes left. What else could possibly happen in five minutes?

Ivan-"You eat your shoes. You eat your shoes with steak sauce."

Me-"You're right buddy, I do. I eat my shoes." there's obviously no need to argue, you can't beat a kindergartener.

Me"You're crazy."

Ivan"You're crazy."

Me-"Alright, let's read before I take you to the library."

Ivan-"Alright, let's read before I take you to the library."

Me-"That's what I said."

Ivan-"That's what i said."

It didn't hit me at this point that he was doing the thing where kids just copy everything you say. And I can't say bad things, he's young and impressionable and supposedly looks up to me.

Me-"Ivan, you're crazy."

Ivan-"Ivan, you're crazy."

Me-"Oh, so you're copying me. I got it."

This goes on for a few minutes. Finally Ivan decided to quit copying me. I think it's over and it's time to go.

Me-"Alright Ivan, get your book, let's go the library."

We start to walk up the stairs so he join his class. Kindergarteners aren't allowed to walk by themselves. As we walk, I feel something strange. Little Ivan has snuck his hand into mine, it's like we're crossing the street. My first thought was to rip it away and say "Whoa, I don't do that." And then I remembered he's five, and that if I did that, it would cement any insecurity that I have.

So we walked hand-in-hand to the library. And then Ivan got the last word in as he struggled to open the heavy door.

Me-"I'll see you in two weeks, kid." (They have spring break next week so I won't have to be there to read to them.)

I turned and started to walk away.

Ivan yells "Still, you eat your face. And your shoes with steak sauce." It echoes through the school. I am humbled.

A kindergartener who can't read has beaten me at my own game. Never did I think that a five-year-old kid would get me with sarcasm and wit, but he did.

I bet he can't even spell "shoes."

And that's how my day went. The day I was beaten by a kindergartener.