Ode to the F5 (redux)

It's a blog I wrote once, and I wanted to save it here.

Oh my F5 key...

you are delicious like a Granny Smith apple that I deliver to myself from the store. But I don't wash you, and you taste like pesticide. Oh F5, will you kill me?

Oh F5, stuck in the middle there. You remind me of my sock, because it is always stuck in the middle between my foot and my shoe. You endure sweat, and smell, and yet, you never complain. You are strong F5 key, you are strong.

Your touch is soft, and non-electric. I feel like if we were stuck outside in sub-zero temperatures, i could type away, and then lick you, because I love you, and you would not attach my tongue to your molecular plastic.

F5, you are my hero. You refresh my screen with no nonsense about it. You are the most serious of all my keys. You challenge me. You place yourself high on the keyboard so my little fat, weenie fingers have to exercise to stretch and fondle you. I hold you to a higher standard than F10, because F10 is worthless. F10 is like an ex-girlfriend who stole your "Talledega Nights" dvd and throws the empty case at your car as you drive through the Burger King drive-thru with the F5 key... damn you F10, where is my movie?

It is you F5, it is you who have stolen my heart. You function well. We never fight. You are spontaneous.

My favorite memory of us was when you took my hand and led me to Egypt. Oh F5 key, exploring the great ruins of kings with you made me feel like a grape hanging on the vine, waiting for your sunshine to shrivel me into a raisin. Oh F5, you sure do know how to charm a fella. I remember what it was like watching the sand and wind blow through your hair. You weren't even worried. I don't know how you did it F5, but you did. We'll always have that one cave. There was nothing like cuddling with your tiny, concave top. Oh F5....

I look at you know. You are mocking me, teasing me. You are like a shallow stripper in Vegas whom I toss hundreds of dollars at, and while you act like we have a relationship, you never call me. You give me the cold shoulder like all of a sudden our relationship is strictly professional. You tell me I have to wear pants to work with you know... Oh F5, what happened to us? What happened to the love. I see you perfected the dirty looks. I see you passing notes to Nos. 5 and 6 about the hairless spot underneath my chin. I hear the snickering between the three of you. It hurts F5, it hurts. I am stung. I am slowly withering away.

You are a wicked key F5. You are a wicked key. I knew there would be no reconciliation between us when I watched you leave the tavern last night. You were stumbling. I knew you were drunk F5, you were hitting on the Space Bar. I know beer goggles, but Jesus, Space Bar is like twenty times your size. He's wider than any of your friends. You need to get a grip on your drinking. It's tearing us apart. And then, I knew it was really over when I watched you stumble out the door with the ESC key. You made your escape all right, you sure did.

I love you though, F5. I love you, and I always will.