Oregon trail (redux)

In 1971 a legend was born. And no, it's not me, I've only been kicking it since '81.
But in 1971 Broderbound software released a program that I can almost guarantee is emblazoned in the minds of all of us. I can't think of a single person that it isn't.
That is why everyone recognizes the statement "Carl has dysentery....Carl has died."
That's right, I'm talking about "The Oregon Trail."
I'm talking about the second release in 1985, and subsequently 1992, 1996 and the final release in 2001.
I know that I am, and most of those I know, are most familiar with the 1985 release.
There was nothing like the Apple IIE (that's two-e) computer lab at Longfellow Elementary School where we could sit and play "Oregon Trail" for the forty-five minutes we were alotted.
I know everybody chose to be the banker from Boston. I don't know any kid that in his right mind would try to be challenged and choose to be the farmer from Iowa or something - I can't remember where he was from, I never chose to be him.
And it was only right at the time that when you put your party together you were the main guy, and then you put your best friend, and the remaining three spots went to girls that you had a crush on and thought would be cool to take along with you on a trip.
Everybody was so innocent at those ages, the thought of what you really wanted to do in that wagon wasn't even fathomable. Now days, I like to walk around saying "Oh yeah, I'd like to take HER on my Oregon Trail if you know what I mean." and then slightly elbow the guy next to me who finds it really awkward and has no idea what I'm talking about.
Other great pick up lines originating from "Oregon Trail" are:
"Don't worry girl, if you get typhoid, you can stay on MY wagon."


(I put stuff in caps to emphasize the words...if you know how I talk, then you'll know what I mean.)


"Wagon wheel broken - lose three days....I got your three days right here."
"I'd like to press enter to HUNT that, see how many pounds I can bring back."
"I think I'll take my chances and caulk that wagon."
"How about I forge your river?"


Yes, childish, but I love that game. And yes, I will use those lines. Be prepared.
Anyhow, greatest game alive.
Once you got through figuring out what girls and what friend you got to take, and by the way, the three girls to two guys ratio was phenomenal when you were in the second grade - then it came time to buy the supplies.
Not even the most intelligent second grader can possibly know how many supplies to buy at the time. All we thought about was "Hey, I need bullets for hunting, and I guess a few spare parts."
That's it.
So I guarantee that everybody sitting around me - mostly guys, by the way since at that time, girls were covered in cooties and other unidentifiable diseases - but everybody bought at least 2000 boxes of bullets. I think that was the max anyhow.
Then it was on your way.
I don't think the game did it's job well, because I don't remember anything about the Oregon Trail. I know I left Independence Rock with a wagon full of girls I had crushes on, ten shirts, pants or hats, 1200 pounds of food, 2000 boxes of bullets, and three wagon wheels, axles and something else.
That was it.
We all know how it went from there.
Attention span was short, so you'd go about two days and then it was time to hunt.
"Oregon Trail" was before my Nintendo days - everyone else had one, but I didn't so my hand-eye coordination was not optimal. Therefore, everytime I went hunting I was too slow to get the bear, or the deer and ended up with six pounds of squirrels.
I don't know much, but I know that six pounds of squirrels is not going to feed a five-person wagon. Luckily for me, my wagon was full of high-maintenance ladies, so I was really only feeding me and my best friend. Ethan, that's you buddy. Only wagon on the trail with a dude with red hair in it. Yes.
Anyhow, it never failed that even before you hit the first post you ran out of food and then came this message "XxxxxxxX has a broken arm. Lose three days."
Forget that, throw their ass off the wagon, let the next one pick them up. But there was no option for that. And at eight, would you really throw your friends off?
It was always fun getting to the rivers or lakes and such. You get the option to forge the river or caulk it, or spend money and wait for the ferry.
Carl's wagon doesn't wait for anything.
I usually caulked it, and then halfway through, my wagon would always tip over and say this:
"You failed. You lose 2 sets of clothing, 2 wagon wheels, and XxxxxX has died."
Well, at least it's only four people to feed.
Other favorite parts were when you got robbed. They actually wore the black and white masks and striped shirts, I don't think that was very Oregon like.
And once you reached the big river you knew it was time to hop on and navigate through. It was awesome.
Unfortunately, due to time constraints, as soon as you got to the river they flashed the lights and you had to shut down. You raise your clinched fists in the air and yell "Why? Why Oregon Trail, why? Why was I the first to die?" And then time is up, and the few times you actually ever made it to the end of the game, you had the worst score ever, but you remember it. And that my friends was "The Oregon Trail."
As a side note, the most frustrating and worst part of that damn game was two fold. First, every time I came up to a headstone, you had to read it. And it was always gonna say something childish and immature like "R.I.P. Here lies Mike, he had tiny balls." Cause that's what second graders think about. Now days if the little kids I know wrote stuff it would say "R.I.P. Here lies Carl, he ate his own face with steak sauce." But most of the letters would be cut off because I think you only got twenty.
But that's the frustrating thing, everytime somebody in my party died - which was lots and I think I only had two people tops at the finish line - I could never do a headstone. And that is why that game haunts me. I never got to do a gravestone that said something like "R.I.P. Here lies Ethan (he always died so I could have the wagon full of ladies. Always a charmer.) R.I.P. Here lies Ethan, he never had cable."
I had to be nice he's my best friend.
But now you know about how "Oregon Trail" haunts me. Damn you video games, damn you.